Pathological altruism and me

05 Nov 2024

I wrote this post two years ago, in December 2022. However, I never shared it. I’m revisiting it today to see where my perspective might have changed. I don’t think this one needs a content warning, but it is a bit heavy. Reader discretion advised.

Identification

I’ve been going to weekly therapy sessions for over ~~three~~ five years now. What was initially a response to making sense of trauma, has ultimately evolved into digging into what has shaped and continues to shape my drive and sense of self.

Something we discovered early on is i'm a chronic people-pleaser. I don't personally like that term - people-pleaser - but i've recently learned of the alternative - pathological altruism - that I can identify with more easily.

I think the former phrase to me implies a desire for recognition - this term or some variant has come up a lot in my therapy sessions - but I struggle to see that as the motivation. I don't like to be the centre of attention and I am very uncomfortable receiving any kind of recognition.

At the same time, I can recognise that I feel a sense of disappointment or even abandonment when people don't seem to acknowledge my contributions - or even, the good intentions behind them. This is different from ego, I think. I don't feel driven by the pursuit of fame or adoration. However, there is some hole that I am constantly attempting to fill.

[2024] I'm not sure I like my use of "contributions" here. That doesn't quite cover it. I think today I would instead say simply "acknowledge me". In other words, recognise the space I take up, however small. I still struggle to take up space or "be the big circle" as my therapist said.

I think my use of the word “ego” here is interesting. I think I meant it in the sense of “having an ego” or an inflated sense of self importance. Looking at it purely as “sense of self” though, my people-pleasing nature is absolutely a big part of my sense of self. I’m still trying to fill that hole by seeking external validation.

The use of the word 'pathological' in the latter phrase meanwhile, in other words 'extreme' or 'unacceptable', feels harsh but what I need to hear. It makes me pay attention because it sounds like something that needs fixing.

[2024] Some of the most useful phrasing my therapist has used to describe me includes “like an addict”. They don’t mean to conflate two very different things, but they are drawing a parallel between the obsessive, unconscious behaviours. What I found most effective about this phrasing is it leaves no room for interpretation: my behaviours are harmful, to me and those around me.

Over-extension

"People-pleasing is the act of chronically prioritizing others’ needs, wants, or feelings at the expense of⁠⁠—and to the detriment of⁠—our own needs, wants, or feelings." - Hailey Magee

I consider myself a kind-hearted person and I care deeply about my relationships with other people. However, I have a pattern of putting others first at the expense of my own wellbeing. This can be emotionally, physically, financially or otherwise.

Just a few ridiculous examples of the lengths I will go to. I share these not for recognition but to shock myself into recognising these aren't always healthy behaviours:

I walked 2 hours each way to a volunteering opportunity for a whole week, skipping breakfast, rather than accept that I couldn't afford to take part
I renegotiated a personal loan to help a friend pay their rent that i’m still paying off
I regularly share subscriptions with family, friends and even acquaintances, even though it means paying more each month
I let a friend use my Uber account for months, even though it meant eating into my overdraft
I packed up an entire office myself rather than admit that it was too much to ask of one person. This included dismantling furniture, logging the equipment and cleaning and disposing of all the rubbish.. in addition to doing my day job (I literally worked on the bare floor)
At times, i've given more money than I can afford to those in need, either directly or by paying for their accomodation or travel expenses. Obviously, this is not something I regret, but it has meant scarcity in other areas of my life
I transcribed the presentations of 15 - 20 university peers without prompting, just so they would have a written record of feedback from our tutor.
I helped a stranger carry their shopping halfway across London, even though I didn't know them or the area they were going to
I ~~regularly~~ used to skip lunches, and start work early or finish late to accomodate meetings with other people.

[2024] I was tempted to remove this list before posting. On the one hand, it’s embarassing and I think it could still be misconstrued as an attempt to get recognition (maybe it is.. people-pleaser over here). On the other hand it’s interesting to see this list now in the context of more recent examples:

I shared last month on LinkedIn that I recently obtained a professional diploma in learning design (and a distinction at that). What that doesn’t convey is that I actually completed the course in March and it took me 6 months to receive my result. This was a combination of poor customer service, but also my own desire “not to cause any fuss”. I was on the verge of walking away entirely before my desire to avoid discomfort was overidden by my irritation at the unfairness of the situation.

Similarly, just this week I ordered a new SIM card. That might not seem like a big deal. However, I haven’t been able to make calls in our area for the last two years because a phone mast was removed. It was easier for me to put up with the inconvenience and either use WiFi or walk to the top of the hill, rather than to “be a nuisance” by complaining about a service I wasn’t receiving. Increasingly, i’ve felt the impact this has on my contact with my dad. I was finally tipped into action.

Boundaries

It is an objective fact that I have difficulty setting appropriate boundaries, and yet even now I struggle to see a lot of this as problematic. There is definitely some genuine good in there. The problem is the extreme to which I take it. I also fail to recognise in the moment the harm that this is doing to other areas of my life, such as my relationships and my financial goals.

[2024] I think I do see this as a problem now. What my recent examples tell me is that pathological altruism still controls my life and causes me harm.

If someone has a problem, I make it my personal responsibility to solve it, even if I don't know them that well. My brain is just wired to jump straight to that place and it often becomes an all-consuming thought that I need to act on.

Other times, I show affection by spending much more than I can afford on gifts. I know this makes friends and family uncomfortable. However, I feel guilty if I do not spend some arbitrary minimum amount.

Therapy has helped me to recognise just how irrational my behaviours are when it comes to relationships. My therapist thinks that I go to these lengths to fill an emotional need that is otherwise unmet. I'm now starting to recognise this. However, the hardest part for me is developing healthy boundaries.

Motivation

The overlap between people-pleasing and what I consider to be genuine kindness is too fuzzy. I can't quantify the parts I need to cut out. What little progress I have made in the last ~~three~~ five years, seems all too easily undone in another moment of overeaction.

[2024] This remains the biggest struggle I have in therapy: how to seperate out the areas where I over extend myself from my.. nature? If i’m not this helpful, caring, nothing is too much trouble version of myself.. then what am I?

In their article, This is the difference between kindness and people-pleasing, Hailey Magee talks about the motivation being the root issue:

Transactionality (“I’m giving you this so you will give me something”)

Obligation and guilt (“I’m doing this because I feel like I have to, and if I don’t, I’ll feel guilty”)

Compulsion (“I’m doing this because I have no idea how not to do this.”)

Loss-aversion (“I’m doing this in order not to lose you.”)

I think in my case it is a combination of obligation/guilt, compulsion and loss-aversion. I don't consciously think of things transactionally. However, I genuinely believe there is also goodwill in there too. That said, I definitely find myself feeling like I don't have a choice. This isn't due to anything on the part of the other person. It's an inner-working of my brain that tells me that if I don't do this thing, I will be a disappointment, I will somehow be less-than.

I don't automatically expect anything in return. At least, consciously I don't feel like I do. However, I also recognise the feelings of hurt and - in extreme cases - resentment, that I experience, when people don't respond to my actions in the way I expect.

[2024] I think I would say now that I don’t trust myself to give an accurate picture of my motivations. I might tell myself that it comes from a good place, but I can’t deny the compulsive, obligatory, defense-mechanism like switch that goes off in my head.

I still struggle to this day to reconcile my feelings over a couple of relationships that didn't work out - and were ultimately very damaging to me - even though I feel like I gave so much of myself with the best of intentions. I will always blame myself for some failing, rather than consider that there are two people in any relationship and that things were not entirely in my control. I may write about these in future, but not today.

[2024] It’s still too painful to write about this.

Final thoughts

I expected, revising this post for myself in 2024, that I would actually remove a lot. In effect, i’ve removed nothing. I think this still rings true today.

What has changed is that I do see my people-pleasing as directly harmful. I’ve had some small boundary-setting wins this year, but it’s still a constant battle. Therapy has been helpful to me but - and I said this before - it’s allowed me to see things about myself that I can’t now unsee, which is exhausting.

I bought Hailey's book, Stop people-pleasing and find your power, and, honestly, i've been putting off starting it. I wasn't ready to do the hard work of enforcing healthy boundaries. However, i've felt things getting on top of me more and more this past year. I'm trying to take a step back from the temptation to overcommit, but something needs to change.

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This is a post for this year’s NanoPoblano. From the Cheer Peppers website:

“National Blog Posting Month (NaBloPoMo) is a month-long blog event in November, celebrated by writing a post every single day. This tradition sprouted many other traditions– small groups that regularly go into the fray together, or even folks who level up and do it with the challenge of a theme. A million and a half years ago (est.), we started our own nano-tradition, and call it NanoPoblano. It’s different than most others.

It’s less organized. There’s less pressure. It’s more about the community than the challenge. We aren’t pulling people off rosters or anything if they can’t keep up. There aren’t qualifiers to sign up. You can be new. You can have a photo blog, or a recipe blog, or a haiku blog. Everyone can be a Participant.

We’ve taken “Post every single day” to mean– support blogs, every single day. That usually means writing every day (and that’s a challenge that everyone benefits from trying!) But we also recognize that the ones who read and cheer us on are important too. We have CheerPeppers who don’t necessarily post that month at all, but try to read or like or comment on a post of our participants every day.

We have Participants who do re-posts. We have Participants who spend the 30 days committed to bringing life to their blog, even that if that means not writing some days, while they work on their themes or leave comments from folks they’d like to build community with.”

2024 Cheer Peppers participants

Photo by Felicia Buitenwerf on Unsplash