I’ve been considering putting my recent thoughts down in words for a while now so here goes. It’s not going to be pleasant.
I finished the second year of my Computer Games Design degree over a month ago now and I feel like i’ve run out of steam. I feel burnt out already and I haven’t even gone professional yet. If I’m brutally honest with myself, I think my passion for games has waned in the last six months or so. Don’t misunderstand: I really love games and there’s a part of me that knows I always will. I also still enjoy games design and at this very moment i’m mulling over some projects i’m quite excited about. At the same time, I don’t seem to have the same enthusiasm i’ve had in the past. I still want to make games, but I don’t feel as if I *need* to make games, if you get me?
I don’t know. I know I can be quite pessimistic about things at times so maybe the way i’m feeling is just that. On the other hand, I have the feeling that if i’d done a course like this maybe seven years ago after my first time at uni, i’d still have the enthusiasm for it. At the moment, I feel drained and dare I say a bit bitter when I think about the coming year. I don’t feel that the course has really helped me advance as much as I wanted it to, and the course itself hasn’t really tied together the games design and story development areas as much as i’d hoped. That’s my experience anyway.
The only thing i’m kinda looking forward to next year is my dissertation project and even that is pushing me in another direction. I’m going to be looking at accessibility in games, particularly the use of visual signifiers as representations of sound in games for hearing impaired players. But if i’m honest, i’m finding that my interest in accessibility is overtaking my interest in games. In some ways i’m finding the games aspect of the course restrictive. At a time when I want to focus on things like my writing, i’m finding myself pushed into only a few limited choices in the third year.
Probably what’s holding me back is my own way of thinking i’m not good enough. I mean realistically, i’m not at the moment, but every so often there’s a part of me that insists i’ll never be good enough. Then again, there’s a part of me that feels like I don’t want to go pro. There are days when I feel that i’m not the right person for the professional games industry. I seem to have this unfounded image of “The Industry” in my head that’s been changing over time into something elitist and macho and I don’t have any interest in that. It’s a ridiculous impression, I know, but I find myself looking at some of the latest titles with apathy these days.
I’m also very aware that I need to return to full-time employment if Falling and I are ever going to save the deposit on a flat, and amongst my many interests, I find captioning surfacing as a realistic route to go down.
I think no matter what I end up doing i’ll be involved in software creation in some respect (games/applications) as I enjoy solving programming problems and I still get a kick out of simply making stuff move on screen, a thrill that’s stayed with me since my first outings with the BASIC programming language as a child. However, it seems more realistic to me now to finally settle on a ‘real’ career and continue my projects as a hobby.
I bid you a warm and fuzzy welcome to the world of my crazy mind.
